Incessant Chatterings of Yours Truly

*ahem, very professional manner*
In the spirit of holidays after Saints, I have taken it upon myself to tell you of another, lesser known Saint.

Saint Christopher Walken.

Yes...I am serious.

Now, the history behind this Saints story is quite a tale and has been verified by all of the highest christian scholars.
The exact date is under debate, some say sometime around 13th century while others date it back as far as 48.2 AD, there was a great man known as "Khristoffer Waulkenin". A devout believer in Jesus Christ, out lord and savior. *

Though his belief was strong, he became preoccupied with the eternal question of Jesus' exact birth date, which as we've seen has been under a certain amount of speculation. There are some that claim some ridiculously poppycock tale about pagans and trees and something called a "Solstice", which we all know is ridiculous because Pagans, much like the laughable concept of a round earth, is completely myth.

The biggest piece of information these unbelievers hold to is the passage in the birth of Our Lord that includes shepherds being in the fields, which only happens in the spring to summer, not winter.

Saint Khristoffer studied the facts and took great lengths to prove that these shepherds were not 'in the field' but instead searching for their flock of...not sheep, but cows, which were known to roam the country side of Jerusalem wild and free as locusts. **

Now, Khristoffer in his studies and searches went to Jerusalem to observe the cows and to become closer to his subject matter. While there, he Discovered the crypt of Rufus, the 13th apostle of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. Which was oddly enough filled with Bently Rims, approximately 40oz bottles of mead and something they categorized as "Massive Bling Bling".

But along with these findings, inside the coffin with the remains was a single Cow Bell.

Mysterious as it was, upon looking further in the crypt he found old scrolls that carbon dated back to the same time as the Dead Sea Scrolls, but written in a strange kind of 'urbanised' version of Aramaic.

Once translated, these scrolls clarified the ongoing debate and told of the infamous Cow Bell of Jesus Christ.

It seems that the lost cows were simply an intervention by the Lord God to have the Shepherds stray. Being that the cow's natural mating time is in the dead of winter, the shepherds gave chase, hoping to hear the bells that they had tied to the cows.

The herd of cows, a cow being a true and noble creature, they found their way toward the holy devine light of the newborn Christ Baby. Upon seeing this odd creature, Baby Jesus reached up with a stick found in the manger and began to hit the bell hanging around the cow's neck. The Shephards soon heard the ruckus and stumbled upon the small gathering at the manger and beheld the Christ Child hitting the cow bell.

The symbolism of the baby in a golden colored diaper comes from the fact that when they came upon the Babe, he had wet himself and thus, the rags he was wrapped in were stained a rather bright golden yellow. ***

Upon discovering all of this, Saint Khristoffer took the evidence and the bell to the masses, hitting the cow bell with a stick and calling out "Yay, for I come onto thee bearing the cow bell. Being a God Fearing Man, I must haveth the more of the Divine sound of the Cow Bell! More! More Cow Bell, Yay sayeth onto the Lord!"

Many discounted him as insane, and was immediately martyred by farmers who took the bells from their cows and bludgeoned him to death with them. Though after hearing tales of Saint Khristoffer and the Divine Cow Bell and the nobility of the Cow and his part in the Baby Christ's birth, many Hindus began to worship the noble creature as a messenger of God, which it remains to this day.

Through years and years of English Corruption, the Name Saint Khristoffer Waulkenin was changed to the more acceptable and generally easier to say "Christopher Walken". Some say he was granted a second life, a rising much like Christ from the Lord himself for his astonishing uncoveries. Though this is but a theory, a myth, much like Big Foot or the Lock Ness Monster.

Your Daily history lesson, my dear.
-Abel

*Though we all know while Jesus Saves, Abel Spends
**Something Beautiful to behold and is still a great attraction to tourists who go to visit Jerusalem, the wild roaming cows of the plains.
***Few know of this but Jesus' First Miracle was turning Urine to gold, thus his diaper actually -was- gold and were given to the shepherds, the kings and any others who stopped by as parting gifts, as well as kept his family well off for many years.


For those of you who are just going "What the fuck?" ... You obviously haven't seen enough SNL Skits.
-§Abel